| (no subject) |
[Jan. 6th, 2009|05:44 pm] |
lj. your usually the first one i turn to because, noone else cares.
i mean dont get me wrong, my friends are great and care about me etc... but you know
also, i dont really feel like ihave that one person i could call no matter what, no matter how much my life is falling apart.. because they dont know me anymore. or i dont want to bother them with my stuff because i dont have the time right now to listen to thiers.
anyway- i always do this. i always get to the point where i have to run.
i want to run.
i feel trapped.
i have no idea what i want
i have no idea what i dont want
well i know this-
i want to move the fuck out.
i want to live by myself. boyfriend not included.
im so sick of this.
what happened to having a partner who was supposed to be my best friend, my wonderful companion etc. i am finding that more and more in my actual friends than i do in my "boyfriend"
so wtf. it feels more like a business deal now than anything else. what am i supposed to do
am i just in a "funk"
i am trying to cling on to some sort of youthful activity that i feel used to define me that is no longer there.
i am refusing to grow up. i am refusing to decide on a path.
i have plenty of options right?
i have job opportunities available here, theres plenty of cheap places to live. the friends. the city. i like chicago.
i wasnt looking for anything here because he didnt want to stay here. what the fuck is wrong with me. ive done this so many times and i thought ive learned so many times. but i havent
im still growing im still learning. im pretty much regressing at this point.
i thought i wanted florida. its the utmost easiest thing to do. i only gave myself certain options and chicago isnt one of them. so now i should find a job?
i should apply to the teaching fellows and have SOEMTHING going on for me here in chicago that is my own thing.
i dont answer to anyone and i dont want to explain anything to you. why should i have to.
24 yrs have gone by and im still just too selfish. what am i supposed to say?
sorry? because i wont. |
|
|
| ok |
[Dec. 28th, 2008|12:48 am] |
so we all have to hit rock bottom in order to make our way back up to the surface right?
...
right?
..oh..some of you just know how to swim...
cute.
so ive been super stressed and super freaking out and feeling super pressured and super clueless and probably depressed
but my solitude has been slowly curing me of this. and i love it.
(it feels like its been forever since ive slept alone or been home alone etc)
(on a side note- i shouldve already known this but aparently im way more private and a loner than i thought, or more so thought and i hate living with people..ill hang out with peeps 24/7 but when i leave to go to my living space i dont want you there. or 6 other people who cant wash a fucking dish or throw out molding food cuz they have guests)
ANYWAY
the point livejournal is that I spent all day trying to figure out my life, reading SDN posts, reading school websites etc.
Ive come to the conclusion that
1)no MD school is going to accept me without a lot more work put into my app
2)Out of the 8 D.O. schools I want to apply to, I have a really good feeling about two of them. and they are both the same school but in diff locations (PA and FL) hopefully these apps will work out
3) if MD and DO dont work out, I am also applying to Barry University (miami-ugh) for thier one year program to get my masters in biomedical sciences. which they say enhances med school apps and they have liek an 80% rate of students who get thier masters also get into med school afterward.
4)worst case- i live in miami for one year and get a masters degree in which case i can do..something with.
ok. so..waiting game... still.
ps. volunteering at comer childrens hospital is real fun. so far ive played pool, guitar hero and with a younger kid random toys etc... this is my first week and ive done 11 hours..
my personal goal is 200 they ask for 100 but im only here till april suckas.
where to next? this doesnt seem as complicated as it was today in my head figuring it all out.. man do ineed a guidance counselor/advisor or what. jesus.
ps- best christmas ever. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2008|12:20 am] |
a while back i wrote life lessons number 1.
i thought of life lesson number two last night but cant recall it right now.
everyone needs two japanese chins in thier life.
this is starting just how tallahassee did.
i used to hate tally
i used to go to orlando all the time and wish ic ould move there
now in chicago i go to BK all the time and wish i could move there.
so that means soon ill be meeting someone like ben fox (aka soulmate) and soon be in love with chicago and call it my home like i now call tallahassee.
have i mentioed i quit smoking ciggs? i have to force myself to have one every week or so cuz i enjoy it so much but not really in weather below twenty degrees (florida stop ur bitching its under 20 degrees here you guys are pretty much still in summer to me!) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2008|07:25 pm] |
i do this every so often, every few years or so.
i make up my mind to say fuck off to everyone once considered friends and move on.
its all so stiffling.
i cant commit. and why should i?
if youre not growing and im not growing or your not allowing me to, i dont have to be here.
but anyway- i always wait until my head is about to explode and then do something rash. pick up and leave.
its easy right?
well here i am again, feeling ready to do it once more.
but here i feel even more stuck than ever-
i am about to begin volunteering at university of chicago hospital
(looking fwrd to it but also NEED to or ill never get in to med school)
and i have a lease until the end of april. which normaly i wouldnt give a shit but i have like 820 bucks i a security deposit that would be awesome to get back.
ok lets say fuck the money. how can i say no i cant volunteer? im fucked.
i have to stay here.
its only 5 more months.
ONLY 5 more months of dealing with and living with complete morons.
and then my stupid dog who i love to death. wtf am i gonna do with him.
last time i let the ex keep him as it was easier to pack up my car with my cat and drive away from everything without having to worry about a dog to take care of.
maybe im maturing.
hah id hope in 2 years.
2 is definately becoming my number and i dont know why.
every 2 years i need a new laptop.
every 2 years i dump my boyfriend give him my dog and drive away.
everytime i spend money i cant just spend 100 i have to spend 2.
2 2 2 many. remember that? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2008|11:46 pm] |
i think that i, and everyone else included, has forgotten the point of things.
that THERE IS NONE.
really though, there is no point to any of this, to human suffering, to social injustice, etc
it just happens. and because we are alive right now, we think we are supposed to do something about it.
well, fuck the planet. fuck the species. fuck every other species.
(here we go with the emotionless thing again that i wished i could do better)
this is one someone recently said to me- these arent Exact words but youll get the idea "the environment doesnt matter, no matter how hard we think we are fucking up the planet it will continue to exist way after our species dies out"
something like that.
so ladies and gentlemen, yes. there are still people in the world that dont give a fuck and dont think we can do anything about it
so why the fuck should anyone else care.
eat meat. use aerosol. DRIVE EVERYWHERE. |
|
|
| ive been thinking... |
[Oct. 16th, 2008|10:41 pm] |
also- i realized, coming back from my tally and ny visits that as much as i miss tallahassee, it isnt for me anymore.
there is nothing there for me other than a few close friends but face it, im in chicago for other close friends and honestly, chicago isnt for me either.
but- i do love it here and i def feel like i have barely scratched the surface of what chicago has to offer but
i didnt come here because i had always wanted to, im here because i had nothing else to do and nowhere else to go.
and now im stuck. lost. i feel like i want to leave but i have nowhere to go. and really, i have nowhere i want to go
if i could craigslist anywhere in the world right now to check out apartments and leave chicago.where would i check?
nowhere.
run away with me and my dog to mexico or peurto rico and lets lose touch with all reality and all the people weve ever known. im so bored/boring |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2008|10:34 pm] |
well eljay,
this is what happened. i did not do as well as i wanted to or thought i would on the mcat. (fuck my overconfidance sometimes it really fucks me)
but nonetheless i applied to 16 med schools randomly dispersed throughout the country.
(prob set my sights a little too high for most of them but whatever i wont settle for less)
so as of now, ive heard back about secondary apps from 12 schools
and have completed secondary apps for 8 of those 12 schools.
just waiting on my letters of rec. to arrive and then ill hear about interviews.
im so fucked. i need interview training. i need to compltely sell myself to these people if i get an intervew, i need confidance,elegance, i need to wow them. but really i havenothing.
and there are people who have been working there asses off trying to get into med school there entire lives, working with doctors,hospitals, doing all this shit that i never did. how was i planning on getting into med school all these years? strictly on my good looks? hah
thats not gonna cut it.
anyway, its cold here now. 40s. i quit smoking ciggs i think..i go like 2 days than go out and smoke a few then g another few days without one..right now i havent smoked one since tuesday night. woohoo
also im going to start baking more and knitting more.
ahaha(i just read that last sentence and wtf0 maybe i should get 5 cats, some grandchildren and call it a life. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2008|12:44 am] |
i feel like no matter how much time i spend studying, i wont be able to learn as much as i want to for this test.
i feel like all these hours are completely wasted.
my head is about to explode. i still hate physics more than ever but its still my best subject on the mcat.
why the fuck cant i read a passage that has nothing to do with science and answer questions about it.
what happened to my reasoning skills? being a bio major i think.
ive never felt so helpless and overwhelmed.
all i can say is i cant fucking wait for this shit to be over with.
one more week of solid studying. and then judgment day.
and then i can finally have a summer. friends. and fun.
if i fail the mcat..fuck it. ill just reevaluate my life. no big deal honestly.
there are always other options. *just keep telling yourself that* |
|
|
| eljay |
[Jul. 26th, 2008|11:43 pm] |
today ruled.
the past few days have ruled.
chicago rules.
ben nitti rules and needs to come back asap.
tomorrow is gonna...RULE haha, yea u guessed it.
so what up. im back in my groove.
or something.
i love studying again
and im super stoked on taking the mcat..
everyones coming up to visit on aug 13 so ive decided to rent a car, a hotel room, and take the mcat in wisconsin. super stoked about 3 days of seclusion before the test.
even if it doesnt go well. i dont care.
i just cant wait to start doing shit once i get this over with.. aka finally get a job up here and start going out more
um i hate having roomates but i think everyones counting on kate to get here and just magically make everything in the apt awesome. she is pretty professional and classy so u neverrrr know.
5 people. 3 dogs. hell yea.
come visit after aug 15th!!! |
|
|
| ahhhhh |
[Jul. 6th, 2008|06:56 pm] |
i have zero motivation.
i dont know anything.
im not learning anything.
im so sick of this.
maybe med school isnt the way to go if i can barely get myself to study for the mcat..
ive taken 2 practice mcats, the first one was alright, but the second one- my score went 4 effing points down.
im supposed to take practice 3 tomorrow but ive spent the entire weekend doing absolutely nothing and watching an occasional movie here n there.
why do i feel like i never have time to study! im so stressed about this and about everything else going on, my mind is completely cluttered and i cant focus worth shit.
. i hate waking up in the mornings. ive always been like this but in tally it was so much easier to push the depression to the back of my mind with adderall booze and friends.
ben fox is here. love. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 21st, 2008|12:14 am] |
rough week..for gizmo
i always said virgos would make bad parents.
anyway this poor mutt.. first that whole eating chocolate thing fucked him up a little but hes fine.. then he was running around the park with this adorable pitbull puppy and completly ran over a sewer thing and his little leg went right through a hole causing him to topple forward full force. definately looked like he broke his leg. his screams still haunt me. he was shrieking and holding up his leg... probably just got scared because luckily he was fine when we got home. then him and reggie are always play fighting but soemtimes they really go at it and he decided to get scratched in the eye, which he couldnt open until today, and somehow lose a tooth and get blood on himself.
effin dogs man.
anyway, im taking my first full length practice mcat on monday.
yo lj get this- ghost mice is going to be here on thursday, vegan bbq in a park in the burbs and then a show later that night in the city. super stoked.
DNA is gettin a ride up here from aaron! Cant beleive that spider is still alive..
more friends visiting real soon..real stoked..
at the gates,darkest hour, municipal waste show in less than a month!
PINK SPIDERS the day after ghost mice!
i need envelopes.a fan.a microwave. a juicer. a ps3 and ddr. a life. speakers. and a chair.
i can always count on u livejournal. |
|
|
| maybe im the stereotype. |
[Jun. 13th, 2008|10:22 am] |
yea. i am.
anyway. last night was perfect.
amazing dinner in china town with like 6 besties.
getting back to the apt at 1am to realize we are locked out.
eventually me slipping thru the tiniest window to get in to the apt.
takin the dogs out with my girls ,no leashes (we're so proud!)
running with them to the park
running around the park with the dogs
back to the apt in the midst of a thrash band in formation
staying up till 4am reading stuffwhitepeoplelike.com to eachother and pointing at laughing at each one of us the entries pertain to.
sleep.
super stoked on mcat studying!
muah lj |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2008|03:46 pm] |
ride bikes to kumas corner
eat metal burgers
ride bikes home
study for the mcat |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2008|12:40 am] |
holy fuck whats wrong with me and these last two posts.
my hair smells soooo good! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2008|12:33 am] |
i cant remember what we did yesterday.
the weekend? what day is it? i dunno..what DID we do?
it was fun im sure.
i complained about studying im sure.
holy fuck mcat. i hve a BS in biology and ive never felt so dumb.
i should get that job at dunkin donuts ive been joking about.
or become a secretary.
im so fucking lazy.
im gonna take the mcat and move to prague next year for med school. where's the fun in that?
(other than med school obv)
delicious dinner tonight @ the neighbys
krisit got a sick job at Head Bang salon
drumset moves in on wenesday!!! (and garrett)
im always tired.
my heart feels happy though. and i could eat him alive.
oh! my dog ate chocolate and vomited etc..but i never took him to the vet.is been a day. hopefully we're in the clear. <33
i feel so left out but i really dont care. i actually dotn feel the need to know every little thing and be there for every little second. or maybe im just kidding myself becase i miss tally so much and it just keeps on going without me. people keep living lives. tubing. dirnking at the st mikes. going to class. running esp.
chicago's coo |
|
|
| its easy |
[Jun. 4th, 2008|12:25 am] |
and best not to think about
not to remember
not to be nostalgic
not to look back
its so much easier.
because when you do. theres just an huge empty feeling in the gut of your stomach sinking deeper and deeper almost going right through you and you feel as if your head is weighing you down to the ground and all you can do is crinkle up and curl up and cry.
on a nother note- we have been having a blast in chicago.
new neghbs are awesome.
except- theyre from sarasota. wtf florida get out!!
theyve been calling logan square "little florida"
cute.
yo kristi and i are on chicago metromix website cuz we pwn hard.
also lj- between you and me i think kristis feet dont smell as bad as they used to. whew. now the apt can smell of dog piss/shit solely. although when i borrowed her converse my socks smelled so rank i cant even tell you about it.
also- its slowly starting to feel like home. ive also never been so stressed and so questioning of my life before. i hate thinking abou the future and planning for it now. but fucking a. mcat shit is impossible. im becoming more and more convinced im going to fail the mcats and not go to med school. i want to go to med school. i know i can do it and i know itll be fun. but holy fuck im already days behind in work for this kaplan course and its not like i have a job or any responsibility other than to walk my dog.
love you livejournal. come visit soon! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2008|05:49 pm] |
eljay.
i suppose ive been neglecting you? well dont feel bad as ive nothing to do right now but tell you everything thats been up..
where do i even begin?
i think about tallahassee on and off.. and i think to myself- if i really wanted to, i could hop on a plane right now and go back. but then i think..what the fuck would i do there and how bored would i be and how anxious and antsy i would be and how unhappy i would be going to the same godamn places day in and day out and seeing the same old fucking people all the time.
but at the same time- tally- i miss you. i miss my friends/family. i miss having a backyard to let the dogs run out into without having to walk them. i miss having a car (kinda) i miss the independence which i have to somewhat regain in an unfamiliar place.
most of all i miss the godamn weather. whats up with this. for the next 10 days the highest it will be is 65. yo im from florida. i want to walk outside and have my clothes stick to me without taking more than 3 steps out the door.
..anyway my days have been spent in the apt, walking the dog, hitting up downtown, chinatown, and some local bars.. ive also read 3 books since i got here (american gods, indestructible wolves of the apocolypse junkyard, and tales of ordinary madness) wtf does one do without school or job?
im going to sign up for an mcat course with kaplan. take the mcats in the begining of august and be on my way to becoming a super hot sexy smart doctor who is also the laziest person in the entire world.
i also sold my bike to my old roomie bobby (the bike rides like a godamn dream) but i found one up here right away.its perfect. but im too cold to ride it or really do much. im so lazyyyy and im such a wuss about temp.
im going to see the avett brothers on wednesday!
and i just got tickets to see AT THE GATES (with darkest hour and MUNICIPAL WasTE)
krisit and jess will be here on the 20th to move in and kate in july.
i love it here as much as i miss tally.
change has always been real hard for me but you just gotta throw urself into it or you never will. i love you livejournal. youre my only constant. |
|
|
| how did this actually work |
[Mar. 23rd, 2008|09:19 pm] |
 |
dassy took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs to feel identified with someone or something..."
Click here to read the rest of the results.
|
|
|
|
| this weekend |
[Feb. 25th, 2008|04:23 pm] |
FRESH Fest 2008
Friday night- 5pm orientation at 218 bamboo drive(the beachouse)
7pm shitton of bands at the oaf house till midnight
midnight-dance party at the beachouse with mad kegs and whiskey
Saturday-
vegan brunch at 11am at RR square
workshops and bands all day
bands at night
THIS IS ALL COMPLETELY FREE
come check out
manifests should be available at all saints cafe on wednesday |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
prittypistol's journal